


dakota white

by shigeokagayema



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Short Chapters, at first he thought he was just a really hot boy, bottomsak, clueless isak, dakota white is basically symbolism at this point lmao, even explores his sexuality w/ men and pansexual even, even falls in love, even is dating sonja, his very own look alike, i keep editing this so sorry, isak is 17 and even is 18, mainly even pov, not ENOUGH EVEN PERSPECTIVE, sex later on probably, slight angst, so basically this is a fic about even having his fave porn star come to life, still in the closet isak sorry, yousef theory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-14 16:13:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11211591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shigeokagayema/pseuds/shigeokagayema
Summary: Even has been into a gay porn star since he was 17. But kept it a secret, he struggled with his confidence when it came to liking boys. His relationship with his girlfriend Sonja made it even harder for him to be fully comfortable with his pan-sexuality. But when he's finally able to transfer to his new school Nissen to get away from his past, he meets a Dakota look a-like and realizes, maybe falling in love with a boy is a possibility.*summary changed to go along with the story





	1. Boys

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to gabby and abby for beta'ing!

Even had been out as pan-sexual for a few years now. His girlfriend Sonja knew, his parents knew, and his close friends knew. He had been dating Sonja since he was 15, and he hadn't really experienced another relationship besides her. They’d been close for several years and they’d always been attached. The relationship was fine, he supposed -- there just wasn’t much progression with it anymore. Their chemistry was lacking, and it had been for the past 3 years. Even wanted to end their relationship, and he'd tried multiple times, but he ended up always staying. Sonja was safe, and Sonja was consistent. But there were still times when Even found himself daydreaming about dating a boy. For instance, he had gotten off to gay porn several times, and sometimes he had strong urges to be touched and kissed by a man. He was used to the touch of a girl, but Even wanted to explore his sexuality, and he had never really gotten the chance to. Aside from that one time with his friend Yousef… but he didn’t really want to think about that now. So much happened that night that Even had basically repressed it, tried to forget all about it. The whole situation made him stray far away from guys ever since.

But here Even was once again, opening up gay porn hub, and moving his cursor over the search bar. Even chewed on his bottom lip, glancing around the room to make sure nobody was watching him. There really wasn’t anyone in his and Sonja’s apartment complex, but he really had to play it safe. The last time he was caught looking at gay porn, Sonja got upset and ended up feeling really insecure about it. Even let out a deep breath as he typed in a specific gay porn stars name, ‘Dakota White’, a twink-like guy who had blonde, wavy hair and a slim, lanky - but not too lanky - body. He was honestly perfect.

Even didn’t have really any preferences when it came to men, but Dakota White was the ideal man. He wanted a boyfriend that was as soft as him, a boy he could pin into the sheets every so often. A boy to kiss, Even really wished he could kiss a boy and feel comfortable about it.

Even watched as Dakota gripped onto another guy’s hips and thrust up into him. Even sunk into his bed sheets, ran his fingers through his hair as he watched the two guys go at it. _Fy, faen_ Even wanted to do that. He wanted to kiss a boy and make him feel good, have him moan out Even’s name and look at him like he was the whole goddamn world. It was only a fantasy, he knew he’d always be stuck here masturbating to guys and never being able to woo any. He’d be with Sonja for the rest of his life, and they'd somehow end up getting married and having kids. She’d have some sort of socially acceptable, above average job and he’d be a struggling film student.

He slumped hard against the headboard of his bed as his palm was lazily kneading at his semi-hard on. He wasn’t even that aroused anymore, Dakota’s flushed cheeks and panting moans failed to pull him out of his constant self-loathing about his future with Sonja. Even's dread was also centered around the fact he'd be starting a new school tomorrow to finish up his last year. He was going to be around a whole new crowd this year. At first transferring seemed like a good idea, mainly because Bakka had left him unmoved in his bed for days, and his depressive lows were never ending. If he had stayed there any longer Even knew he wouldn't have graduated. But still, even if transferring was a better idea for Even's mental health, it didn't mean the nervous feeling in his stomach would go away. He was nervous about having to make new friends and having to be placed in a whole new crowd. He was going to try and ignore everything while putting his focus to his film studies, but he knew rumors followed, and he knew people would be talking about him. Even stared at his screen, porn ads beginning to pop up everywhere. He didn’t have the energy to get off anymore. He laid there in his gray hoodie letting his anxiety take over his body at the thought of tomorrow. He hoped the day would go by quickly and that he could go home and smoke weed for a few hours. Even continued to get lost in his thoughts, closing out of the porn hub tab, and instead, opening up YouTube. He played Nas’s Got Ur Self a Gun in the background as he reached over the side of his bed trying to find his tablet pen so he could fall asleep doodling figures of boys of all shapes and sizes. He fell asleep like that - with his gray hoodie bunched up around him and his head leaning on his shoulder, his tablet pen slipping out of his fingers while drawings of boys were splayed all across his computer screen.

Even woke up sore and in the same position he fell asleep in. His laptop was on the side of his body, halfway falling off the bed. He felt like shit, absolute shit. His whole body was sore and he felt disgusting. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand, finding that it read 08:00. He really needed to get his bag and start getting dressed. He didn’t want to miss the first day of school, so he hurried up as he gathered everything together and made a quick cheese toastie before making his way out the door.

He spent most of his time on the tram doodling more nameless boys. His mind was clouded with the thoughts of them, with the ideas of how their lips would feel pressed to his and how their hands would feel running through his hair. Even glanced to see if any of the guys on the tram were attractive, but nobody really caught his interest. He shrugged, it wasn’t really that much of a big deal -- he had already spent the last few years dealing with this.

Even slung his backpack over his shoulder. He had gotten off the tram a few minutes ago, and he was currently skimming his class schedule for the day. Most of the classes seemed like a breeze - he had his film class in the morning and biology in the afternoon. As Even was striding to the entrance of Nissen, he noticed a crowd of boys in the corner of his eye. They were all animatedly talking about parties and girls. Even skimmed over their faces and bodies to see if any of them were cute until his eyes stopped on one boy in particular.

Even froze mid-walk. The boy had blonde curls coming out from his burgundy snap back. He had a cute, sloped nose that looked fairy-like. He had spaced out teeth, and whenever he laughed, dimples would bloom onto his cheeks. It was adorable.

Even felt his heart stop. This boy looked exactly like Dakota White -- the porn star he’s been jerking off to since he was 17 years old, but the problem was this boy was so much cuter than Dakota White. Dakota White was practically a joke compared to him. Even hadn’t felt like this before, he'd never been so captivated by a human being like this in his life. His feelings for anybody else before this seemed laughable. He didn’t know who this guy was but he wanted to know everything about him. Even was stuck staring at him until he noticed the boy starting to look back.

He hurriedly looked away and shrugged his backpack strap higher onto his shoulder. He rushed off, away from the boy’s inquiring glance. Shit, he'd almost got caught looking like a stalker. He didn’t think he would find himself standing there so long, checking him out. Even's fingers were shaking with his class schedule crumpled in his hand, his chest felt tight, his feelings were beginning to overwhelm him. This was a first. He had never felt like this before with Sonja. He felt like a kid all over again, like this was the first crush Even had had in awhile. He liked it, he wanted to know more about it. He wanted to see him again -- he wanted to see the Dakota look-alike. Even wanted to drown in these soft feelings, it was validating to feel like this for another man. And maybe this Dakota look alike would notice him too one day. Maybe he was the answer to everything.


	2. Aphrodite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to elsa and gabby for betaing! i hope everyone likes this chapter :-) ALSO this is my first time writing a skam fic and i'm not the most comfortable in even's perspective sorry if he's kind of ooc?? i'm more comfortable writing isak idk. BUT enjoy!
> 
> ALSO: dra til helvete means "go to hell" lol

The first day passed with ease - it was mostly Even writing notes and listening to the teachers talk about what to expect in their classrooms. His notebook was filled with notes and miniature drawings in the upper corners. The drawings kept repeating themselves, the faceless boys started to morph into one specific boy. His Dakota look-alike, with his wispy blonde hair and slightly crooked smile. He was beautiful, and if he ever had the chance to paint that boy, he would. 

His film class wasn’t anything special, they went over familiar things he had learned in Bakka. It was all the basics, really. So the majority of the time he zoned out and mastered his doodles of the Dakota boy. He hadn’t made any friends yet, he’d only had a few small conversations with people in his classes. One of the worst conversations he had so far was the discussion of what their favorite movies were. He was practically sure that most of the students in the class liked that garbage Nicolas Cage movie, The National Treasure. Of all the movies they had to pick, they'd picked the most sub-par movie Nicolas Cage had ever done. I mean, sure, he used to obsess over it too, mostly in an ironic fashion but _still_

He lied about his favorite movie, he said something like Good Will Hunting or threw in the most commonly mentioned pretentious movie, American Psycho, that had everyone ecstatically chatting away. Even’s eyes flicked up towards the clock ticking on the wall, lunch break was coming up soon and it gave him an excuse to hide away and smoke a joint. He couldn’t talk to film majors anymore. He loved film, everything about it, and everything cinematic, but sometimes the people were intolerable and way too judgmental. He didn’t think people explored enough into movies or really appreciated what they provided to the world. He wished he could have someone like that, someone who would be blown away by all the movies Even showed them. Sonja never really understood, either she was bored out of her mind or was too busy planning events for them with her obnoxious friends. It was bizarre how much Sonja had changed -- or maybe she wasn’t changing? Maybe Even was changing. It could be this period of his life was ending, and he was ready to move on because the Even that clung to her as a kid just wasn’t there anymore. He didn’t need her anymore, she did what she could and she gave him love. 

She understood how his brain worked at that point in time (at least he thought she did, or maybe she was good at pretending). He didn’t really know. He could never figure out whether she was skilled at pretense or really good at making Even feel two-dimensional and like everything he did was because of his disorder. Sometimes Even couldn’t separate himself from it anymore since all Sonja did was wrap him up in a bundle with it. There was no bipolar disorder without Even, and there was no Even without his bipolar disorder. 

Before he knew it, the bell rang, letting everyone exit out of their seats, their stomachs probably grumbling along the way -- eager to eat and ready to settle with their friends. Even sat there still momentarily lost in his thoughts. He’s been doing that a lot lately, being lost in his thoughts and thinking about how he felt for Sonja. He grabbed his notebook and his binders, ‘FILM’ was stuck to the top of his binder with drawings of all of his favorite film characters. He did a collage of them on the front - it really expressed who he was and who he looked up to. 

Even if he didn’t have Sonja, at least he had film and the Dakota boy. Even slid out from his seat, shoving everything into his bag. Would he see the Dakota boy again? Would the Dakota boy be the answer to everything or was he merely a mocking fantasy of his subconscious desires? What if he wasn’t real and Even made everything up in his head? What if this was because of his overexposure of guys last night when he was browsing porn hub?

Nobody could be as mysterious or beautiful as him. It wasn’t possible in Norway, and it was unlikely for any guys here to be gay. Even if they were, they were in the closet. Even wasn’t that lucky and it wasn’t like he could drop Sonja for some mysterious boy who made his heart throb a little. He remembered he did that last time, and everyone made him look like a joke.

Boy’s were off limits. Boys made Even feel bad. Boys triggered Even into Mania, they made him remember how he memorized the Qur’an. And Sonja telling him those things didn’t matter, what mattered was she was there, and she’d keep him safe.

Even was thumbing the ‘FILM’ sticker on his binder as he was walking and thinking. He placed everything into his locker and stared emptily at his books. Even was safe, he had nothing to worry about. He was safe and with Sonja and Bakka was a thing of the past. He was going to sit in the cafeteria and eat, probably read a little on metaphysics and call it a day until Biologi. He'd take a bathroom break to smoke some weed and chill to Red bone. Boys would shove their way into the back of his head and stay there for late nights of his Baz Luhrmann re-watches. 

The cafeteria was bustling with noise - people were talking about being hung over or about how so-and-so teacher could dra til helvete. Even stayed seated with metaphysics in his lap. He was taking casual notes about Aristotle’s explanation of Hesiod’s writing, _‘Love was made by Aphrodite first of all the gods. First of things was chaos made, and then Broad Breasted earth… And love, supreme among immortals.’_

As Even leaned back, he fiddled with the pencil behind his ear. Love was a constant on his mind. Was love a possibility for him anymore, or was Even subjected to what he considered safe? Was the idea of the chase possible for Even, or did he have to limit himself all the time and be afraid of the unknown?

He slotted his film festival bookmark into the center of the pages. His gaze lingered on the word ‘love.’ 

As he was playing with more arguments with himself in his head over his potential artificial happiness, he felt someone staring at him. There was a vibe or atmosphere that someone was watching him, and he could feel it. So he risked it, he risked looking up to see who had a problem with him reading Aristotle. And as he did, as he looked up, his eyes were met with a set of eyes that were familiar,  
eyes he had seen before, on the first day of school, eyes he was secretly admiring.

The Dakota boy. The Dakota boy was sitting there, looking at him with a curious look, but that look ended as quickly as it started. The boy was interrupted by his curly haired friend who slapped him on the back and called for him loudly, “Isak, what’re you looking at? Did you see some cute chick you’re not telling me about.”

Even held his breath, he looked at him. He was looking at Even this time, they made 3-second eye contact. Could this be it? Could his fantasies of being with a guy be happening, right now, at this very second? His very own Dakota White.

But it wasn’t even his Dakota White anymore. It was his Isak.

Isak, a name bestowed by the gods. A name suitable for a face like his, a name carrying much more meaning than the nickname Even bestowed on him since day one. He wasn't Even late-night jerk off sessions on the internet. He was a real boy in his school who decided to check him out during lunch break.

His first boy crush since the time with Yousef, since the time everything fell apart. He felt his whole body thrumming with excitement. He had to get his attention again, he had to see Isak look at him one more time, and he needed to find out how he was going to do that. 

But the gods from above had answered his prayers. A blonde girl with a bubbly personality was making her way over to him with two other girls who he assumed was her friends. The one girl was wearing a Hijab and her expression looked grumpy. Another girl had brown hair, she had a welcoming expression.

“Have you heard about kosegruppa?”


	3. Moulin Rouge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more even thoughts, a talk with sonja, and two familiar faces.
> 
> *drit og dra means go fuck yourself

**Even's Bedroom.**

The more he thought about the possibility of meeting Isak, the more his hair stood up on the back of his neck and goosebumps rose along his arms. It was his opportunity to show Isak himself and what he was about. He didn’t know why he was so drawn to him, but he knew he had to do something about it. He had to show Isak him and learn about why Isak made him so, so fixated. Even knew love could be cruel, he could crash and burn right in front of his curious eyes. He could make a fool out of himself again, a laughing stock. But if he didn’t chase after this, the only flicker of motivation he’s had in the past few months, then he’d never get out of this rut. He’d be back to blaming himself and feeling sorry for himself. He couldn’t spend another few hours in his bedroom with Sonja checking on him every so often whilst throwing pitiful glances.

If he achieved Isak’s desired attention, he wondered what Isak would think of him. Even laid in bed, his legs sprawled out, blankets surrounding him in piles. His hair was an unruly nest and his breath was stale. Even had been laying in bed for the past few hours thinking about the unraveling of the fated Kosegruppa. He obsessed over it in his head, he obsessed over how he presented himself and the meeting. Isak’s opinion of him was important, which was funny because Even didn’t know a damn thing about him other than he was obsessed with Isak’s curved out smile. It was wiry, like that of a fictional character. Even had drawn it multiple times and thought about Isak smiling at him like that, daydreaming about making Isak smile wider. Could he do that? Make someone smile instead of creating such unneeded pity from strangers and his loved ones? Even played with the drawstrings of his hoodie, he tugged them and tugged them until they made his hood shrivel up beside his neck. Even wasn’t planning to move out of bed anytime soon, so the best way to kill time was to light up a joint and watch Moulin Rouge. Even dug around underneath his pillow for his lighter. He often tried not to smoke inside the apartment because Sonja would kill him if she caught him. He flicked his lighter a few times until it was lit at the end of his joint. He took a long drag as he opened up his laptop, instantly going to his downloads to start up Moulin Rouge. 

He spent the past two hours of the movie, rolling around his bed trying to get into comfortable positions. He memorized the entire movie by heart. The lines being thrown back and forth between the main leads would fall from his lips along with a puff of smoke. He’d sing the songs loudly in his empty apartment. His chest would ache with the characters' pining and their desperate need to be together. Even’s heart went out to them, as cliche as that sounded, he fell into step with the characters so easily. He got so wrapped up in their story and had so much empathy for them, it felt as if he was going through their heartbreak alongside them. Even craved that ache, but he knew as much as he desired a love story, all of the love stories he immersed himself in ended with some sort of tragedy. Because Even felt as if that’s what was to be expected of him as well, a tragedy. He believed he directed his life like a movie, that he’d be the one in control of where it turned up. But he knew he’d be the one ending it, ruining it, and making it go as quick as summer days. 

He minimized Moulin Rouge and cautiously opened up the porn hub tab to type in Dakota White. He was about to hit enter until he noticed his drawings in the corner of his eye, drawings of Isak. They were pure, filled with positive emotions that Even had been feeling lately -- they weren’t mania inspired. No, it was different. These emotions were different. Sometimes he couldn’t tell the difference between his highs and the weed. But his feelings for Isak weren’t because of his Mania, they were because of Isak. Even discarded the porn hub tab, his arm drawn out to touch at the lines of his drawing.

Isak made him feel, and he wasn’t guilty of it. 

Moulin Rouge had been minimized but wasn’t paused, the audio was blaring from his laptop speakers. 

_Satine: Besides, I can't fall in love with anyone_

_Christian: Can't... fall... in love? But, a life without love, that's... terrible..._

_Satine: No, being on the street, that's terrible._

_Christian: No! Love is like oxygen!_

_Satine: What?_

_Christian: Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!_

The lighthearted feelings were quickly ruined by the sound of Sonja entering the apartment. She was chatting loudly over the phone, and her heels clicked along the hallway floor. Panic overcame Even as he tried getting rid of his joint and the smell that was stinking up their bedroom. He clambered off the bed and to the window, trying to get the smell out. Mid-opening the window, he tugged his hoodie up and over his head. As the window was slammed open, he dug around for a new shirt to put on. He could hear Sonja making her way to their bedroom, and Even’s eyes trailed to his laptop which sat open with the porn hub tab still up. He also had his Isak drawings sprawled across his bed for the world to see. Even made a run to the bed, flopping onto his side, and landing on the mattress with a ‘thump’. He closed out of the tab and erased his history whilst pushing his art book underneath the bed. He then gathered himself together, trying to get his composure back. He combed his fingers through his tangled locks, trying to look somewhat presentable for Sonja’s entrance as if to show he hadn’t only been lying in bed all day. 

The door opened abruptly, Sonja standing there with bags hung over her shoulder, looking as though she had completed a shopping run minutes before she came in. She said a few more words to the unknown person on the phone with a hurried tone, clearly urging to end the conversation with them. 

_‘“Ja, Ja,”_ she said while leaning against the bedroom door frame, tapping her fingers against her cell phone with an impatient look. After a few more moments of her standing there, squirming around anxiously, she spit out a goodbye.

_“Farvel!”_

Sonja instantly clicked her phone shut, a sigh escaping past her lips. Her eyes slowly took in Even’s appearance. Even was currently seated on the bed with his legs crossed, his laptop placed snugly in his lap with Tupac playing in the background.

She grimaced after fully taking in Even’s appearance. 

“Please, don’t tell me you’ve been in bed all day.” 

Even hated when she mentioned that the most. He hated how her forehead would wrinkle with frustration and stress as if Even was a child and couldn’t do anything right. She looked at him more like a concern than a boyfriend.

“I was working on a film project the majority of the afternoon. I was getting back into the groove of things, I’m fine so don’t give me that look.”

“I’m not giving you a look, Even.”

“You’re always giving me a look.”

“Don’t do this. We’re not doing this right now.”

“Then don’t look at me like I never have control of things, Sonja, I’m not a fucking child.”

A hurt expression graced Sonja’s features. She went to say something but held back against it. She drew herself back in, putting up her defensive wall she always did. Even noticed, he always noticed when she pulled this calculative look trying to decipher how to handle Even. She had certain precautions or measures she used when talking to him. He wished she would stop acting like his god damn therapist all the time.

“So what is it? What did you come in here to tell me?”

Sonja bit back another urge to fight with him. Her posture was beginning to turn defensive and tense, her lips were pursed with her eyebrows furrowing together.

“I can’t come into my own bedroom? Or see if my boyfriend is doing OK? Is that a crime now?” she bit back, her voice laced with hurt. 

“What. Do. You. Want. Sonja.” 

She took a deep breath, her fists clenched at her side. The bags that were hung on her shoulder slowly slid onto the floor. It was as if she was giving up, giving up trying to understand Even and trying to reach out to him. Even felt guilty, in a sense. He didn’t like fighting her or talking to her like this, but sometimes she was overbearing. He was sick of her trying to make him feel like a problem all the time, like she couldn’t talk to him normally anymore without constantly thinking about his disorder or his past. Sonja was more hyper-obsessive over his past problems than he was. He knew she was protective over him but there was a point where she needed to realize she was suffocating and that sometimes he needed to be alone.

“My friends wanted to know if we could go out with them tonight. There’s a really nice hang out spot that opened up in the area and I thought it’d be fun. We haven’t done much in awhile...” she trailed off.

“Do you want to go? It could be fun. It could get you out of this room--” she motioned around the bedroom with a sorrowful look. “And maybe we could talk about some things and enjoy ourselves?” Her desperation was clear. She obviously was urging to fix whatever had happened between them right now.

“Fine.” He was exhausted, he was tired, and he hated fighting with her just as much as she did. Sonja had been his friend for years, and he needed to remember that. She did so much for him and stuck with him for so long. If giving her a night out with some of her friends would mend whatever this tension was, even if it was only for a little, Even would do it. He still loved her even if it wasn’t entirely romantic anymore.

 

**Oslo.**

Even was huddled around Sonja and her chatty friends. He spent more time staring at the clock than he did with communicating with them. He zoned out thinking about the illusion of time, he remembered reading articles about it when he was manic. He went into this hyper obsession phase where he engulfed so much pointless information about the illusion of time. It was bizarre since Even wasn’t really interested nor involved with science much but when he did read about it he remembered being overwhelmed. It was too factual for him, he was uncomfortable with the infinity of the world and the unknown that was dormant beyond. Even took another swig of his beer, his eyes glanced around the room to see if he could focus on something else other than the social construct of time, he didn’t need to start getting fixated again. If he got fixated he wouldn’t be able to leave his head and he’d be stuck there feeling like his thoughts were consuming him. It got to be difficult when it came to figuring out which thoughts he should go by or not.

Even nursed his beer close to his chest, he tuned out Sonja’s excitable talking with her friends. He had no interest in their conversation, he honestly wished he was still in bed thinking about Isak. Isak became a comfort thought to him, a fantasy to play with when he felt low. If Isak was here across the room, there for him to admire to kill time it’d really make his night. 

But instead of Isak being there, someone else was.

A familiar voice broke through the crowds around them, a voice that had the power to instantly bring a chill up Even’s spine. To stricken fear in his body, to make his throat constrict and his nerves shot.

“Even?”

Even turned attention to the voice beckoning his name, his body was trying to warn him not to. His head was setting off panic signals. Don’t look, Don’t follow the voice. It’ll hurt if you do, if you look you’ll regret it.

“Yousef.”

The feeling of seeing yourself standing there in front of everyone isn’t something too memorable. Even was exiting, he was leaving and he couldn’t come back. If he let go, if he let go maybe none of this would be happening right now. In another time or place, he could be meeting Isak -- he could finally tell him his name because at least Isak would know his name. Even if he yearned to be a part of his life, if Isak knew his name that was enough.

But for now, he was here. He was here in the middle of some youth hang out spot with the boy he used to be in love with standing right in front of him and his girlfriend. The rest of his “Ex” friends huddled around him, some of them having smirks adjoining their features. Even swallowed hard, he needed to get a grip and stop looking like he was drowning even though he was.

“Hey, how have you been?” the question was cautious, he was trying to treat Even delicately. Even could tell Yousef cared a little, somewhat interested in how Even was doing. The concern of an old friend was there but it was hurting Even, it hurt to see him genuinely care. Even was the one deleting all of his social media and was the one transferring away but he wasn’t a joke for knowing what was healthy for him.

He wasn’t crazy, he wasn’t. He wasn’t disgusting for loving boys too, he wasn’t going to stand there and feel weak again. 

Breathe, Even, Breathe.

_Flashback sequence._

The memories of him hunched over memorizing the Qu’ran were back. They came back at full force, he remembered mumbling to himself and his eyes skimming over the scripture with rapid desperation. Even needed answers, answers to why he wasn’t good enough. Would the gods tell him? Would everything be more clear after that? Would Allah give him those answers?

It was funny how his friends turned their backs so easily on Even, simply calling him crazy and belittling him for being “Gay.”

Even couldn’t pull himself out of his mindset that night. The group chat with the boy’s lit up, them gossiping right there in front of him about how he had kissed Yousef. He was hyperventilating at this point, the words of Allah blaring brightly at him on his laptop screen and his Facebook chat with his friends leering at him menacingly. 

Yousef: Even  
Yousef: Even I only talked to Mikael about it.  
Mikael: Even can you reply or some shit? seriously.  
Mutasim: yo whats with that mess you left on the wall at the theatre?  
Mutasim: whats your problem  
Mikael: Muta what the fuck  
Elias: so whats going on about even losing his shit can someone let me know  
Yousef: he isn't just some shit happened it doesn't matter  
Mikael: you're posting some concerning shit man  
Adam: Shit. I wake up to a million messages of you guys screaming about Even.  
Elias: so does anyone want to hear about this hot chick messaging me right now?  
Even: I never asked for you to tell Mikael anything. It was a mistake and I was drunk, I didn't mean to kiss Yousef.  
Adam: What!  
Even: Mikael  
Even: I'm sorry

Of all the things the gods had done to him, they had made him crazy, and made him like boys. 

That was the night Even attempted to end his life. 

Mortals, Immortals it didn’t matter their status they were all mocking Even.

**Allah’s Qu’ran.**

The bold letters of the website sat there watching him, waiting for him to act.

The Facebook notifications kept persisting, the edges of his vision were blurring. He couldn’t make out the text anymore or the words of his friends.

His chest was tight he felt close to vomiting, sweat formed on his forehead and neck. The throbbing of his head was intensifying, he couldn’t handle it anymore. He was panicking, he needed to do something he needed to fix this to fix him. It wasn’t right for him to be like this, he had Sonja. 

But was there a better way to end a love story than a tragedy?

_Flashback sequence over_

Even was full on shaking at this point, his upper teeth were biting down so hard on his bottom lip that it began to bleed. Sonja and her friends were staring at him with wide eyes, Yousef looked concerned and he didn’t even have the chance to look at the others expressions. Because the first thing he did was force himself to look away and turn on his heel pushing past everyone. He ran outside of the establishment, he ran, and ran.  
Even didn’t look back. Instead he found himself outside an alleyway, vomiting everything out of his body and onto the ground beneath him. Even watched the spit pool at his bottom lip, tears brimmed at the corners of his eyes. 

Time was on repeat, Even once again did what they expected him to. He reacted abnormally and couldn’t handle a simple conversation. Sonja probably was calling the police at this point, telling them her crazy boyfriend was out on the run for the second time.

Even knelt there, wiping the spit and bile from his mouth with his sleeve. His legs were hurting from running so fast and so far away. His entire body ached and his head was throbbing again, it usually did whenever he had a psychotic break. He needed to pull himself together and find out which street he was on. 

The sound of someone shuffling over to him filled his ears. The steps sounded hesitant, and Even assumed it was probably a shop owner going to tell him to _Drit og dra_. Even lifted his gaze from the pavement ground, his arm was pressed against the wall weakly holding himself up. He turned his head over to the poor soul who had to find him there.

There stood Isak beneath the streetlamp with his curly blonde hair, the street lamp illuminated his locks and in his hand was a small grocery bag. He looked as if he wanted to say something, and his expression was filled with worry and curiosity. 

“Are you OK?” 

Even froze against the alleyway wall, he carefully pulled himself off of it. Were the god’s really against him or were the god’s giving him a second chance. Because here in front of him stood one of their angels with his curled hair and sloped nose looking at him with such concern it filled Even’s heart to the brim.

And of course the first thing Even could say to this angel wasn’t anything impressionable at all, not even the slightest. 

“Do you have any soda in there?” he motioned to Isak’s grocery bag. “My mouth is feeling a little dry, I kind of threw up all over the alleyway as you can see.”

Isak wrinkled his nose at that, disdain on his face at the idea of Even throwing up everywhere. Even tried really hard not to laugh at Isak’s expression, he saved the action to the list of adorable things Isak has done so far.

Nose wrinkling was number 5.

“Yeah, lemme just --” he dug around his grocery bag and found a can of some generic Norwegian soda brand he tossed it over to Even who immediately caught it. They stood there in silence, Even could feel Isak watching him in the corner of his eye as he downed the entire soda can and eventually crushed it afterwards.  
Isak was wearing a soft red hoodie, it looked so snug on him that Even couldn’t help but admire it. Even tried to wrack his brain with something, anything to say to him. But Isak beat him to it, he lifted the grocery bag up a little.

“Are you hungry? I went out to get my roommates some snacks and Linn always craves some sweets late at night. So... are you feeling -- “ he paused for a moment and dug inside the bag, pulling out a little wrapped cake pastry. “Cheesecake tart or whatever.”

“I’m cool with cheesecake tart or whatever.” Isak laughed at that, it was a beautiful laugh. He shot Even a look stating ‘don’t make fun of how I phrase things, dick.’ and seated himself onto the ground waiting for Even to follow. 

They sat there drinking soda and eating snacks. The street lights shone above them, making them glow in the dark of the night. There wasn’t much noise, not many cars were out except for the occasional bicyclist. But in that moment it was only Isak and Even eating snacks silently, a small distance between them and the Norway night sky surrounding them.

Even took a final bite into his pastry, he turned to sneak a peek at Isak’s expression.

“What time is it? I lost my phone on the way here.”

Isak placed his soda down onto the pavement. He dug into his hoodie’s pockets and pulled out his cell phone, he glanced at the time lit on his screen.

“21:21.”


	4. NAS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even and Isak finally talk. But does it turn out how he expects it to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is so messy and unedited and gross and i feel like it isnt good enough and yeah! i hope u enjoy anyways though.
> 
> also sorry for the late update IVE BEEN CRYING OVER EVAK AND THEIR CLIPS IM YELLING also it gave me good closure for potential balloon squad ending in this fic? idk. also please leave kudos' or comment lovelies! thx,, i just wanna make sure im pleasing you guys :-)
> 
> *tull = bullshit
> 
> *drittsekk = motherfucker

They sat together in silence for what felt like hours. It was a comfortable silence, it was as if neither of them were trying to ruin the moment they had constructed together. Afraid to break themselves back to reality, hoping that if they kept themselves quiet maybe it wouldn’t wake the world around them. This brought back Even’s thoughts on the illusion of time. Isak was his illusion of time, Isak somehow made time stop and start with ease. Even didn’t know how it was possible, how this boy had such a grip on his world. 

But it felt right being here with him as if he was meant to be here.

Isak was the one to put a stop on their moment, deciding to create a new flow around them. 

“Is it too personal to ask why you were throwing up in an alleyway outside of a 7/11?” It looked as if Isak had been mulling it over for quite some time. He was anxiously chewing on his lower lip, his eyes cast downwards. And Even couldn’t stop looking at him, there wasn’t a moment where you could spot Even looking elsewhere but at Isak. Isak was the center of his attention he was breathtaking, he was mesmerizing. 

“I had a lot to drink and got split up from my friends finding myself winding up here.” Even tried to seem nonchalant about it but he combed his hand nervously through his hair. He could still taste bile in the back of his throat from vomiting earlier and his legs were still sore from the running.

Isak hummed in acknowledgement, Even could see Isak giving him a glance over, he wondered what for? Was he worried about Even’s well being? But he ceased to question it and instead focused on the electrifying feeling Isak made him feel whenever Isak looked at him. It was an indescribable feeling. And he wanted to blanket himself in that feeling, letting it consume him.

“Do you--” Isak shuffled into his hoodie some more, making himself look smaller than he was. “Do you need a place to stay at?” he carefully looked at Even. “I mean just until your friends come and pick you up -- that is if they can.” he stumbled over his words hurriedly, he looked stuck between taking back his words but also wanting the best for Even. 

Even’s throat was raw, and tiredness was slowly consuming him. The idea of staying at Isak’s place sounded like the most comforting thing he has heard all week. “I don’t want to be a burden. I can easily call up my friend’s to come get me. You don’t need to give me a spare room, especially for someone you don’t even know. I appreciate it but I could be an axe murderer for all you know.” his voice came out rough, exhaustion completely laced it at this point. 

Isak full on laughed at this, his body shook as chuckles escaped past his lips. “You? An axe murderer? You were over here begging for me to hand you a soda outside a 7/11. If you wanted to kill me, you would’ve by now.” Isak exaggerated that. His eyes were wide as he rambled on about Even quite possibly being an axe murderer.

Even adored it, Even adored him. “How do you know that? I could be plotting your demise right now, waiting for the perfect opportunity. He followed along with his silly story about him being an axe murderer. Even really couldn’t believe he was doing this right now sitting with Isak laughing with him and telling jokes as if they had been life long friends.

“Oh, yeah.” Isak rolled his eyes dramatically. Another action Even quietly adored. “Where are you carrying that axe?” Isak ran his eyes down Even’s body, pretending to check to see if Even was hiding a murder weapon of some sort. “Besides you go to Nissen don’t you?” he said shortly after his fleeting search for Even’s “hidden” axe.

Isak knew he went to Nissen, which means Isak has seen him around. Isak knew of his existence and he wondered how long. His first guess would have been when they made eye contact for the first time at the cafe but what if it was previous to that? And Isak has known about Even this entire time.

“Yeah. You’ve seen me around?” this was it. this would be Even’s answer to everything involving Isak potentially knowing about his existence. But if Isak’s answer is yes, he knew it’d lead Even to having more questions to ask.

“One time you slammed the door on my face by accident.” Isak said, simply as that. Even had slammed the door on his face. Even felt all the romantic possibilities leave his body, that’s how Isak remembered him, a slam to the face.

“You were like walking ahead quickly with your long legs and all so I don’t think you saw me behind you. But what I did was to get your attention I shouted out to you _oi!_ james dean _drittsekk_ that was my nose you hit. I’m 100% positive you didn’t hear me though.”

Even sat there with a surprised look on his face. And Instantaneously he found himself bent over, his face buried in his knees trying to muffle out his laughter. His body shook with him, his shoulders occasionally rising and falling along with.

Isak shouted at him during his fit. “Quit laughing! You really hurt my nose. It was red for a whole week and all of my friends called me Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.” 

After a few minutes of Even’s laughter and Isak being huffy about it. Even lifted his face from his knees, he tilted his face to Isak. Amusement lit in his eyes and his mouth was spread out into a huge grin. “I thought I heard someone shout over NAS but I wasn’t too sure.” Isak mirrored a similar grin on his face, he leaned back with his palms placed flat on the sidewalk. “Oh? Sorry for almost interrupting your music.”

“Wait, did you call NAS music?” Isak looked perplexed at Even’s comment. “Isn’t that what NAS is?”

The man of his dreams didn’t know who NAS was. Could you believe it? Even looked up at the sky in disbelief for a split second before he strayed his eyes back over to Isak’s face. Even pretended to be offended by Isak’s statement. “Now you should know that’s going to be a problem. I don’t know if i’m able to stay at the house of someone who hasn’t heard of NAS. And only knows him merely as music; when he’s obviously more than music but a well known legendary rap artist. But I guess you’re too young to know that.”

 

“ _Even._ ” cue another eye roll from Isak, Even was starting to believe Isak was a professional eye roller. Even was about to follow along with another silly remark until Isak calling him by his name began to sink in, he was confused -- he didn’t remember Isak knowing his name.

“Wait, you know my name?” Even held his breath, how did Isak know his name? This was the first time they’ve spoken to one another. He didn’t remember saying his name when he met him, he doesn’t recall himself being too under the influence either.  
“You told me earlier. I asked when I found you standing outside the store.” Even tried to read Isak’s expression to see if he was telling the truth, even though Even hadn’t known him long enough he could still tell Isak was lying. He wasn’t a good liar, not one bit -- but why would Isak lie about knowing Even’s name? How much did Isak know about him? Could it be from all the rumors going around school? Even didn’t doubt that; people were always quick to talk and spread _tull_ Even was sort of a popular topic at the moment both at Bakka and Nissen. 

Which meant if that’s how Isak knew about him, Isak knew about what happened. Even’s stomach lurched at that, Isak could possibly know what he did at school. He didn’t get to be the one to open up to him about it to eventually fall into step with him and maybe one day feel comfortable enough to let him know. But Someone else had gone out there and told Even’s own story to Isak. 

Paranoia, fear, and insecurities started to overwhelm Even. He was already in a vulnerable state and he couldn’t think clearly at the moment. This only brought out the thoughts he was trying to keep at bay. He thought this was supposed to be a healthy interaction, an escape from everything else but he knew it’d always come back to this, back to the idea of someone not wanting him for him.

What if Isak wasn’t what he made him out to be?

Even let out a breath, his body felt heavy all over again. Fear was evident in his eyes, fear of rejection, fear of Sonja saying “I told you so.” all over again. Even found himself standing up, he felt like a panicked animal. 

He stood there with his long legs, his hair sticking to his forehead slightly, and his previous smile began to falter little by little. His eyes looked tired and lost, and his hands were clenched to his sides. “I should go. I appreciate the invite to your house but my house is only a few blocks over and I don’t mind walking.”

“What?” Isak softly asked, his light expression also drastically changed. He looked confused and concerned, also somewhat hurt? From what Even could see. But he didn’t want to take it, he didn’t want to convince himself to believe something that probably wasn’t there.

“The cheesecake tart was nice and so was the soda. But my girlfriend is probably worried about me and hysteric about my disappearance. So I have to get back, I can’t stay over.” Why did it hurt so much to say this? He wished he could shut himself up. He wished he could pull Isak in and bury him against his chest. Walk with him back to his place and lay on his bed, see what he looks like when he wakes up in the morning. See if he could be the one to make him laugh and smile in the cafeteria.

He yearned for him. He yearned to be more than the guy throwing up in an alleyway, Even wanted to be Isak’s, Even. He didn’t want Isak to be merely a dream anymore he played with in his head before bed. Or have plastered two dimensional Isak's on his sketchbook paper or longingly gazed at on his cafeteria breaks. Why couldn’t the happy boy sitting across from him at the cafeteria everyday after film be his?

Even couldn’t see Isak’s expression, he chose not to. He didn’t want to witness another person look at him with disgust and disdain. So Even turned around, he turned around and walked to the street lamp, lighting up in the distance. Even shoved his hands into his pockets, his body tried to curl in on him but instead he fought the action and held his head high as if nothing was wrong. As if he wasn’t holding back tears that were now threatening to fall down his cheeks.

Even Bech Naesheim would not cry over another boy tonight. 

But, Even didn’t know that the boy he loved who sat there now alone outside of the 7/11 with empty snacks surrounding him. With his blonde hair glowing beneath the street lamps and his red hoodie which engulfed him. Was also holding back tears, was also trying to will himself not to cry over a boy. And had watched Even’s back disappear into the night.


End file.
